Relax, don't do it..

Since my plans for this weekend didn't pan out quite as I had expected, it gave me a chance to slow down and relax for a change. I spent the mornings at the dog park and had a chance to bond with my two pups and hang out with other dog obsessed people. 

Also, I caught up on trashy reality TV and knitting. I feel like knitting gives me an excuse to watch the terrible TV that I do. I'm not actually watching it, I'm knitting. This is how I justify it. 

Things at home have been tense, so it was nice to just relax, knit, and shut my brain off for a bit. I've picked up The Artist's Way again, in another attempt to work my way through it. I have made it through week one, minus the morning pages. I'm hoping to be able to start those up again starting tomorrow. We'll see how that goes...

Five weeks until I am leaving for Pittsburgh and then on to Chicago. I'm counting down the days!

Morning Pages

I woke up this morning thinking, "why the hell am I so tired?" I couldn't function at a normal level and walked outside with the dog. I think this is the time where my brain runs wild thinking of all the negative things that it possibly could about the upcoming day. I worry about bills, moving in six months, whether I'll make it through the day, how awful class might be, maybe I'll leave work early and sleep, maybe I should just not go to work. It's never ending the crap that runs through my head.

I know that after 10 minutes of this, I argue with myself and try to change my thoughts into something more positive. Early mornings are hard. I don't have the energy to argue with myself. But by the time I hit the shower, my brain is more willing to accept that I will not dwell on the maybe's and might's of the day. I can't live like that. No one should live like that.

Keeping things in the here and now is so tough. I try and teach my clients to do the same and I keep saying it is difficult but one doesn't really know how difficult until we are faced with doing it ourselves, day after day, hour after hour. Melodrama. Angst.

I don't know what else to write. I know I should have three pages of this every morning. Should. I should do this. I don't like thinking in shoulds. I like thinking in, I am... I will write until I can no longer write any longer.

I worry about class and my thesis. I was supposed to turn the thesis in already, before classes started. Classes started this week and I still haven't completed it. What if I can't finish it in time and I have to drop out of this semester? Will I go back? Who knows. Maybe that won't even happen. Maybe everything will work out and I can hand it in a few weeks and be done with it. I think that will feel good. To be done with it. To not have to think about it any longer. That must feel good. I hope this is a good semester. And by good, I mean easy. I am tapped out and no longer want to do work for classes. I want to work. I want to focus on my job and find hobbies that I enjoy. I want to go to yoga a few nights a week. I want to read novels. I want to run with the dog after work. I want to do a lot more than go to class and write papers. I hate writing papers. I want to write in my blog. I want to take more photos. I want to go out more. I want to meet more people. I want to do a lot. I want to do everything. I need to make this happen. Three months and school is done. I will have a master's. I will be able to take my exam to get my license. I could go into private practice. I could do a lot. I will do a lot.

The Artist's Way

I mentioned months ago that I would be reading a book called The Sound of Paper. I started that in an effort to get myself to write more frequently. Of course, I abandoned that book and stopped writing, almost entirely. So I am trying again, this time with The Artist's Way. It is by the same author and this book preceded The Sound of Paper. So, again, I'm giving it a shot.

This time, I'm writing a contract with myself. I will do this. I will commit to twelve weeks of writing every morning and reading the lessons and completing the projects. I will document everything that I do here. My morning writings will be gibberish, negative, and probably silly. But I will still do them as a way to clear my head and start my day with less junk rattling around in my brain. Maybe I will learn to think more positively, less judgmentally, and let go more often.

It's worth a shot.

2/1/12

I understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the twelve week duration of the course. I commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.

I further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions for me to deal with. I commit myself to excellent self care - adequate sleep, diet, exercise and pampering - for the duration of the course.


Kerry.

Morning pages

This is my first attempt at writing first thing in the morning. I could have waited until I got to work, but I decided to wake up early, put on my full spectrum light, and get to it. I think mornings are the most difficult time for me. I never want to get out of bed. I have trouble motivating myself. I typically find that in the mornings I am incredibly negative and my thoughts race about things I never really needed to be thinking about in the first place.

Its usually when I am walking the dog in the morning that I find that I am able to slow my thoughts and give myself a reality check. Its a struggle every day to get myself to be more positive and not let my negative thoughts consume me.

I run a CBT group every Thursday and I mainly subscribe to a CBT way of practice with my own clients. I suppose it is a good thing that I actively use the skills in my own life.

I shouldn't complain about the fact that I need to motivate myself every morning and that I hate to get out of bed. I'm not a morning person, I never have been. I know that I have slept for eight hours the night before and that is plenty for me. I guess I just associate being tired with being depressed.

How its 620 already is beyond me. Time flies when I'm busy doing things other than watching the clock. Time to get a move on with the day.

Point Zero

The points in green are optimal satisfaction with the six areas in the circle. The gold is where I ranked myself on those areas. Work is great, I love it. I know I made the right decision. Friends are alright, things could improve, but I'm working on it. Physically and spiritually, I'm in the same place I have been for years. I'm not ready to tackle that yet. Fun is low and adventure is low. 

These are two areas I want to look towards improving on a daily basis. I try to have fun everyday, doing things that I enjoy and helping others to do the same. Adventure doesn't come by as often as I would like it. If I had my way, I would set out for an adventure every weekend. Small things, hikes, time out of the city, exploring the city more, doing something new. I crave adventure and need to take the time and make it happen. 

Trying new things is difficult. Fear creeps in and I like to retreat, back to the comfortable, back to where I know I will succeed. But that's not adventurous. I need to be less fearful. Lets embrace adventure!

The Life of the Imagintion

If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would have all the energy in the world.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would be able to afford to live alone.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would love limitlessly.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, writing and creativity would be effortless.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, exercising and eating well would be easy.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, anxiety wouldn't be a problem.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, troubles wouldn't be so much troubles but small obstacles.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I wouldn't have to face depression on a daily basis.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, fear wouldn't stop me.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I could write, socialize, do therapy, and walk dogs for a living.

Ten things I would do if the best of all possible worlds were a reality. Ten things I can work towards changing now.

The prompt suggests writing these as quickly as possible - I struggled with this. What would I want if I could change things? It's such a big question that I had to take pause, I had to think to myself, what can I change? There are things that are much bigger than me that I would love to change, the economy, other people, schizophrenia, those aren't within my capacity to change with baby steps on a daily basis. Learning to love limitlessly is.

So I'll start with these ten things...

Who, me?

Twenty five things that represent success and adulthood to me:

1. A job that pays enough for me to live comfortably
2. A feeling of joy
3. Learning to be in a relationship
4. Not being afraid of life
5. Being outdoors more
6. Drinking less
7. Filling the days with activities
8. Learning to cook
9. Caring for others without neglecting myself
10. Keeping promises
11. Having hope for the future
12. Recognizing when I am losing my way
13. Having hobbies
14. Not being afraid to spend time alone
15. Preparing a meal for my friends/family at the holidays
16. Travelling
17. Having a passport (and using it!)
18. Consistently doing yoga
19. Learning to eat vegetables
20. Joining a yoga studio
21. Living alone (or with a partner, no roommate.)
22. Getting married
23. Stating that I want to get married without cringing
24. Being able to effectively manage my emotions
25. Being happy

I thought making this list would be difficult. But as it turns out, I have a clear picture in my head of who I would like to be as an adult. Technically, I guess adulthood has started for me. I am living on my own, I have a career that I love, and I have a dog that I manage to keep alive (and healthy!). Unfortunately, I don't do yoga as much as I would like, I eat skittles and candy for dinner, I can't cook, and the idea of marriage makes me want to run screaming and hide under the covers.

I know that being an adult doesn't mean that I have to give up being playful and enjoying myself, it just means that I will take more responsibility. I will stop drinking excessively, I will not take drugs, I will not romanticize my drug use and I will attempt to sustain my lifestyle on my current income, without constantly wishing for more.

So, how do I do this? I have no clue.

I guess I should start by looking at what I am doing. Writing about it, recognizing the behaviors that I would like to change and take the painful steps to make that change.

Step 1: ...

The sound of paper

I started reading a new book, The Sound of Paper: Starting from Scratch, by Julia Cameron. It was recommended to me by my therapist as I was telling her about not being able to write any longer. I used to be able to fill pages and pages, effortlessly. These days, its been quite lackluster, to say the least. At best, I can write a progress note on a client, but mostly, I'm not writing at all.

There are things I need to write, my thesis, treatment plans, papers for class. None of it is getting done. So this is my attempt at completing the prompts in the book. I will chronicle my attempts here and I'll see where it goes. Maybe I can turn this back into a blog and less about the prompts.