Relax, don't do it..

Since my plans for this weekend didn't pan out quite as I had expected, it gave me a chance to slow down and relax for a change. I spent the mornings at the dog park and had a chance to bond with my two pups and hang out with other dog obsessed people. 

Also, I caught up on trashy reality TV and knitting. I feel like knitting gives me an excuse to watch the terrible TV that I do. I'm not actually watching it, I'm knitting. This is how I justify it. 

Things at home have been tense, so it was nice to just relax, knit, and shut my brain off for a bit. I've picked up The Artist's Way again, in another attempt to work my way through it. I have made it through week one, minus the morning pages. I'm hoping to be able to start those up again starting tomorrow. We'll see how that goes...

Five weeks until I am leaving for Pittsburgh and then on to Chicago. I'm counting down the days!

Let it rain, rain down

Let the countdown begin, I'm leaving Boston for the wonderful, windy city of Chicago. I leave July 28 and I could not be more excited. Coming with me are lovely and special pugs, Jabba and Zelda. Wrapping things up in Boston has been a challenge. I work through July 27 and then leave the following night to camp out at my mom's house for a few days before setting off for Chicago. Boston has been a lovely city to live for the past five years, but I feel now is the time to make a change and head for the Midwest.

To do before I leave:
1. Go through my clothes/stuff and donate what I no longer need
2. PACK!
3. Get an oil change
4. Say goodbye to all of my friends, coworkers, clients
5. Collect medical records for myself and the dogs
6. Manage to keep my cool and contain my excitement until I leave
7. Scratch that - lose my shit
8. Find a job!

That's right. Find a job. I will be unemployed when I get to Chicago. I don't even have a lead on a job. I am picking up and leaving without a solid plan. For many people, this would be scary and stupid. For me, it's exciting and thrilling. I can't wait to see what comes out of this move. Everything is up in the air, everything is possible right now. So much could happen and I couldn't be more excited to embrace the change and the possibilities. Wish me luck and stayed tuned to see what happens!


<3, k

Morning Pages

I woke up this morning thinking, "why the hell am I so tired?" I couldn't function at a normal level and walked outside with the dog. I think this is the time where my brain runs wild thinking of all the negative things that it possibly could about the upcoming day. I worry about bills, moving in six months, whether I'll make it through the day, how awful class might be, maybe I'll leave work early and sleep, maybe I should just not go to work. It's never ending the crap that runs through my head.

I know that after 10 minutes of this, I argue with myself and try to change my thoughts into something more positive. Early mornings are hard. I don't have the energy to argue with myself. But by the time I hit the shower, my brain is more willing to accept that I will not dwell on the maybe's and might's of the day. I can't live like that. No one should live like that.

Keeping things in the here and now is so tough. I try and teach my clients to do the same and I keep saying it is difficult but one doesn't really know how difficult until we are faced with doing it ourselves, day after day, hour after hour. Melodrama. Angst.

I don't know what else to write. I know I should have three pages of this every morning. Should. I should do this. I don't like thinking in shoulds. I like thinking in, I am... I will write until I can no longer write any longer.

I worry about class and my thesis. I was supposed to turn the thesis in already, before classes started. Classes started this week and I still haven't completed it. What if I can't finish it in time and I have to drop out of this semester? Will I go back? Who knows. Maybe that won't even happen. Maybe everything will work out and I can hand it in a few weeks and be done with it. I think that will feel good. To be done with it. To not have to think about it any longer. That must feel good. I hope this is a good semester. And by good, I mean easy. I am tapped out and no longer want to do work for classes. I want to work. I want to focus on my job and find hobbies that I enjoy. I want to go to yoga a few nights a week. I want to read novels. I want to run with the dog after work. I want to do a lot more than go to class and write papers. I hate writing papers. I want to write in my blog. I want to take more photos. I want to go out more. I want to meet more people. I want to do a lot. I want to do everything. I need to make this happen. Three months and school is done. I will have a master's. I will be able to take my exam to get my license. I could go into private practice. I could do a lot. I will do a lot.

You are my sweetest downfall

Source: http://www.contrariwise.org/

My friend and roommate had a massive blow out with her boyfriend leading him to now be another ex. As myself and a few other friends rallied to comfort her and get her out of the apartment, it occurred to me that relationships are hard for everyone. 

With my 29th birthday rolling around the corner here soon, I have been taking stock in what I have in my life and what I would like to have in the future. Relationships were my number one priority in the past but lately I feel that my priorities have shifted. School and work are number 1 followed closely by volunteering. Relationships have fallen by the way side. I don't feel that it is all that necessary for me to be paired off with someone. I enjoy my time and spending it as I please. 

Plus there is more room in the bed for the dog and I to snuggle. 

Who, me?

Twenty five things that represent success and adulthood to me:

1. A job that pays enough for me to live comfortably
2. A feeling of joy
3. Learning to be in a relationship
4. Not being afraid of life
5. Being outdoors more
6. Drinking less
7. Filling the days with activities
8. Learning to cook
9. Caring for others without neglecting myself
10. Keeping promises
11. Having hope for the future
12. Recognizing when I am losing my way
13. Having hobbies
14. Not being afraid to spend time alone
15. Preparing a meal for my friends/family at the holidays
16. Travelling
17. Having a passport (and using it!)
18. Consistently doing yoga
19. Learning to eat vegetables
20. Joining a yoga studio
21. Living alone (or with a partner, no roommate.)
22. Getting married
23. Stating that I want to get married without cringing
24. Being able to effectively manage my emotions
25. Being happy

I thought making this list would be difficult. But as it turns out, I have a clear picture in my head of who I would like to be as an adult. Technically, I guess adulthood has started for me. I am living on my own, I have a career that I love, and I have a dog that I manage to keep alive (and healthy!). Unfortunately, I don't do yoga as much as I would like, I eat skittles and candy for dinner, I can't cook, and the idea of marriage makes me want to run screaming and hide under the covers.

I know that being an adult doesn't mean that I have to give up being playful and enjoying myself, it just means that I will take more responsibility. I will stop drinking excessively, I will not take drugs, I will not romanticize my drug use and I will attempt to sustain my lifestyle on my current income, without constantly wishing for more.

So, how do I do this? I have no clue.

I guess I should start by looking at what I am doing. Writing about it, recognizing the behaviors that I would like to change and take the painful steps to make that change.

Step 1: ...