Crunch time!

This is what I look like right now. My thesis is due by mid/late January. RUH-ROH. If you need me I'll be jacked up on caffeine snuggling with my laptop and my mountains of research.  

Work Hard and Be Nice to People.

Today I donated dog and cat toys to a local animal shelter. I have been itching to get out and do something for a larger cause, rather than my own self interest. Of course, I reap benefits from donating. I get to go check out the dogs for adoption, swoon over the puppies, and feel good about doing it. But I feel as though it is time for me to be concerned with more than just myself and my dog.

What ways do you help out your community? What else can I do? I have been asking everyone I know to collect items to donate to the animal shelter. I'm hoping this will pan out and I can have a nice car load to donate in the next few weeks.

So if you have anything you would like to donate or want more information about your local animal shelters, email or tweet me! thatgirlblogs@gmail.com OR @kerryedaway 

Or if you know of something else I should get involved in, let me know! 

Morning pages

This is my first attempt at writing first thing in the morning. I could have waited until I got to work, but I decided to wake up early, put on my full spectrum light, and get to it. I think mornings are the most difficult time for me. I never want to get out of bed. I have trouble motivating myself. I typically find that in the mornings I am incredibly negative and my thoughts race about things I never really needed to be thinking about in the first place.

Its usually when I am walking the dog in the morning that I find that I am able to slow my thoughts and give myself a reality check. Its a struggle every day to get myself to be more positive and not let my negative thoughts consume me.

I run a CBT group every Thursday and I mainly subscribe to a CBT way of practice with my own clients. I suppose it is a good thing that I actively use the skills in my own life.

I shouldn't complain about the fact that I need to motivate myself every morning and that I hate to get out of bed. I'm not a morning person, I never have been. I know that I have slept for eight hours the night before and that is plenty for me. I guess I just associate being tired with being depressed.

How its 620 already is beyond me. Time flies when I'm busy doing things other than watching the clock. Time to get a move on with the day.

Point Zero

The points in green are optimal satisfaction with the six areas in the circle. The gold is where I ranked myself on those areas. Work is great, I love it. I know I made the right decision. Friends are alright, things could improve, but I'm working on it. Physically and spiritually, I'm in the same place I have been for years. I'm not ready to tackle that yet. Fun is low and adventure is low. 

These are two areas I want to look towards improving on a daily basis. I try to have fun everyday, doing things that I enjoy and helping others to do the same. Adventure doesn't come by as often as I would like it. If I had my way, I would set out for an adventure every weekend. Small things, hikes, time out of the city, exploring the city more, doing something new. I crave adventure and need to take the time and make it happen. 

Trying new things is difficult. Fear creeps in and I like to retreat, back to the comfortable, back to where I know I will succeed. But that's not adventurous. I need to be less fearful. Lets embrace adventure!

The Life of the Imagintion

If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would have all the energy in the world.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would be able to afford to live alone.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would love limitlessly.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, writing and creativity would be effortless.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, exercising and eating well would be easy.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, anxiety wouldn't be a problem.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, troubles wouldn't be so much troubles but small obstacles.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I wouldn't have to face depression on a daily basis.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, fear wouldn't stop me.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I could write, socialize, do therapy, and walk dogs for a living.

Ten things I would do if the best of all possible worlds were a reality. Ten things I can work towards changing now.

The prompt suggests writing these as quickly as possible - I struggled with this. What would I want if I could change things? It's such a big question that I had to take pause, I had to think to myself, what can I change? There are things that are much bigger than me that I would love to change, the economy, other people, schizophrenia, those aren't within my capacity to change with baby steps on a daily basis. Learning to love limitlessly is.

So I'll start with these ten things...

Who, me?

Twenty five things that represent success and adulthood to me:

1. A job that pays enough for me to live comfortably
2. A feeling of joy
3. Learning to be in a relationship
4. Not being afraid of life
5. Being outdoors more
6. Drinking less
7. Filling the days with activities
8. Learning to cook
9. Caring for others without neglecting myself
10. Keeping promises
11. Having hope for the future
12. Recognizing when I am losing my way
13. Having hobbies
14. Not being afraid to spend time alone
15. Preparing a meal for my friends/family at the holidays
16. Travelling
17. Having a passport (and using it!)
18. Consistently doing yoga
19. Learning to eat vegetables
20. Joining a yoga studio
21. Living alone (or with a partner, no roommate.)
22. Getting married
23. Stating that I want to get married without cringing
24. Being able to effectively manage my emotions
25. Being happy

I thought making this list would be difficult. But as it turns out, I have a clear picture in my head of who I would like to be as an adult. Technically, I guess adulthood has started for me. I am living on my own, I have a career that I love, and I have a dog that I manage to keep alive (and healthy!). Unfortunately, I don't do yoga as much as I would like, I eat skittles and candy for dinner, I can't cook, and the idea of marriage makes me want to run screaming and hide under the covers.

I know that being an adult doesn't mean that I have to give up being playful and enjoying myself, it just means that I will take more responsibility. I will stop drinking excessively, I will not take drugs, I will not romanticize my drug use and I will attempt to sustain my lifestyle on my current income, without constantly wishing for more.

So, how do I do this? I have no clue.

I guess I should start by looking at what I am doing. Writing about it, recognizing the behaviors that I would like to change and take the painful steps to make that change.

Step 1: ...

The sound of paper

I started reading a new book, The Sound of Paper: Starting from Scratch, by Julia Cameron. It was recommended to me by my therapist as I was telling her about not being able to write any longer. I used to be able to fill pages and pages, effortlessly. These days, its been quite lackluster, to say the least. At best, I can write a progress note on a client, but mostly, I'm not writing at all.

There are things I need to write, my thesis, treatment plans, papers for class. None of it is getting done. So this is my attempt at completing the prompts in the book. I will chronicle my attempts here and I'll see where it goes. Maybe I can turn this back into a blog and less about the prompts.

What I've been doing...

Hiked with this mug.

 

Put together new furniture and put the dog in it. 

Worked a bajillion hours and loved every minute of it. Neglected my blog, Twitter, and Facebook accounts. Spent all of my free time with friends. Booked a flight to watch my best friend get married. Drank, smoked, and ate too much (and loved all of it.)

What have you been up to?

Excuse me while I listen to The Spill Canvas and cry into my Diet Coke.

I have this inkling of jealousy that I can't quite shake tonight. Of course it is Facebook related, isn't all jealousy these days? And of course I did this to myself. Facebook stalking will always do this to me. But what can I say, I love making myself miserable sometimes.

This situation is this, I met a boy, he lives in New York. He has an exgirlfriend who lives in the same city I do. He confessed one drunken night that this was the first girl he had ever loved (we were feeling rather nostalgic and emo this particular night). But as I was innocently Facebooking this boy, I scrolled through her page as well, because why not?, I've been feeling amazing lately, I should totally seek out something that will make me sad for a moment. And there it was, pictures of them together. Her visiting him. Blech. Why is this a big deal? IT'S NOT. I'm pms-ing and therefore my stupid girl brain is all. "OMG. FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I'M DUMB AND HORMONAL."

Jealousy is such a bitch. I'm so cool and collected 95% of the time and then WHAM! Jealousy bitch slaps me in the face and I'm all sad and dumb for an hour. I know everyone else out there does this too and it's such a classic girl move. When will I ever learn to leave well enough alone? Things are amazing, let them be that way!

Play time

I downloaded a new camera app for my Droid. I've been loving all the instagram photos I've been seeing around Twitter so I set out on a hunt for something similar for my phone. And voila! Retro Camera!

This is a church in Brighton. I was stopped at a stop light, messing around with the app and it actually turned out half decent.

I have successfully explored two settings on this app. Much more play time is ahead of me. I'm heading to Luke Dane's place to watch the Oscar's so I'll play more tonight.

Oh, hai!

I'm back! Maybe... We'll see how it goes. With a full time job, an internship, and a full class load I'm not sure I'll keep up with this.

Moving on. After enduring a vague sickness for two weeks, I finally got back on my feet today. After work, I built something.

Amazing, I know. But, even more amazing is that I tried bubble tea last night. When it comes to food, I like what I like and I try to not branch out. I'm so dangerous. Verdict?

Gross. Wicked Gross. But, after speaking to a friend about it, it's not supposed to be frozen. Which means I'll have to try it again.