The Life of the Imagintion

If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would have all the energy in the world.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would be able to afford to live alone.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I would love limitlessly.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, writing and creativity would be effortless.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, exercising and eating well would be easy.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, anxiety wouldn't be a problem.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, troubles wouldn't be so much troubles but small obstacles.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I wouldn't have to face depression on a daily basis.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, fear wouldn't stop me.
If the best of all possible worlds were reality, I could write, socialize, do therapy, and walk dogs for a living.

Ten things I would do if the best of all possible worlds were a reality. Ten things I can work towards changing now.

The prompt suggests writing these as quickly as possible - I struggled with this. What would I want if I could change things? It's such a big question that I had to take pause, I had to think to myself, what can I change? There are things that are much bigger than me that I would love to change, the economy, other people, schizophrenia, those aren't within my capacity to change with baby steps on a daily basis. Learning to love limitlessly is.

So I'll start with these ten things...

Who, me?

Twenty five things that represent success and adulthood to me:

1. A job that pays enough for me to live comfortably
2. A feeling of joy
3. Learning to be in a relationship
4. Not being afraid of life
5. Being outdoors more
6. Drinking less
7. Filling the days with activities
8. Learning to cook
9. Caring for others without neglecting myself
10. Keeping promises
11. Having hope for the future
12. Recognizing when I am losing my way
13. Having hobbies
14. Not being afraid to spend time alone
15. Preparing a meal for my friends/family at the holidays
16. Travelling
17. Having a passport (and using it!)
18. Consistently doing yoga
19. Learning to eat vegetables
20. Joining a yoga studio
21. Living alone (or with a partner, no roommate.)
22. Getting married
23. Stating that I want to get married without cringing
24. Being able to effectively manage my emotions
25. Being happy

I thought making this list would be difficult. But as it turns out, I have a clear picture in my head of who I would like to be as an adult. Technically, I guess adulthood has started for me. I am living on my own, I have a career that I love, and I have a dog that I manage to keep alive (and healthy!). Unfortunately, I don't do yoga as much as I would like, I eat skittles and candy for dinner, I can't cook, and the idea of marriage makes me want to run screaming and hide under the covers.

I know that being an adult doesn't mean that I have to give up being playful and enjoying myself, it just means that I will take more responsibility. I will stop drinking excessively, I will not take drugs, I will not romanticize my drug use and I will attempt to sustain my lifestyle on my current income, without constantly wishing for more.

So, how do I do this? I have no clue.

I guess I should start by looking at what I am doing. Writing about it, recognizing the behaviors that I would like to change and take the painful steps to make that change.

Step 1: ...

The sound of paper

I started reading a new book, The Sound of Paper: Starting from Scratch, by Julia Cameron. It was recommended to me by my therapist as I was telling her about not being able to write any longer. I used to be able to fill pages and pages, effortlessly. These days, its been quite lackluster, to say the least. At best, I can write a progress note on a client, but mostly, I'm not writing at all.

There are things I need to write, my thesis, treatment plans, papers for class. None of it is getting done. So this is my attempt at completing the prompts in the book. I will chronicle my attempts here and I'll see where it goes. Maybe I can turn this back into a blog and less about the prompts.

What I've been doing...

Hiked with this mug.

 

Put together new furniture and put the dog in it. 

Worked a bajillion hours and loved every minute of it. Neglected my blog, Twitter, and Facebook accounts. Spent all of my free time with friends. Booked a flight to watch my best friend get married. Drank, smoked, and ate too much (and loved all of it.)

What have you been up to?

Excuse me while I listen to The Spill Canvas and cry into my Diet Coke.

I have this inkling of jealousy that I can't quite shake tonight. Of course it is Facebook related, isn't all jealousy these days? And of course I did this to myself. Facebook stalking will always do this to me. But what can I say, I love making myself miserable sometimes.

This situation is this, I met a boy, he lives in New York. He has an exgirlfriend who lives in the same city I do. He confessed one drunken night that this was the first girl he had ever loved (we were feeling rather nostalgic and emo this particular night). But as I was innocently Facebooking this boy, I scrolled through her page as well, because why not?, I've been feeling amazing lately, I should totally seek out something that will make me sad for a moment. And there it was, pictures of them together. Her visiting him. Blech. Why is this a big deal? IT'S NOT. I'm pms-ing and therefore my stupid girl brain is all. "OMG. FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I'M DUMB AND HORMONAL."

Jealousy is such a bitch. I'm so cool and collected 95% of the time and then WHAM! Jealousy bitch slaps me in the face and I'm all sad and dumb for an hour. I know everyone else out there does this too and it's such a classic girl move. When will I ever learn to leave well enough alone? Things are amazing, let them be that way!

Play time

I downloaded a new camera app for my Droid. I've been loving all the instagram photos I've been seeing around Twitter so I set out on a hunt for something similar for my phone. And voila! Retro Camera!

This is a church in Brighton. I was stopped at a stop light, messing around with the app and it actually turned out half decent.

I have successfully explored two settings on this app. Much more play time is ahead of me. I'm heading to Luke Dane's place to watch the Oscar's so I'll play more tonight.

Oh, hai!

I'm back! Maybe... We'll see how it goes. With a full time job, an internship, and a full class load I'm not sure I'll keep up with this.

Moving on. After enduring a vague sickness for two weeks, I finally got back on my feet today. After work, I built something.

Amazing, I know. But, even more amazing is that I tried bubble tea last night. When it comes to food, I like what I like and I try to not branch out. I'm so dangerous. Verdict?

Gross. Wicked Gross. But, after speaking to a friend about it, it's not supposed to be frozen. Which means I'll have to try it again.