Morning Pages

I woke up this morning thinking, "why the hell am I so tired?" I couldn't function at a normal level and walked outside with the dog. I think this is the time where my brain runs wild thinking of all the negative things that it possibly could about the upcoming day. I worry about bills, moving in six months, whether I'll make it through the day, how awful class might be, maybe I'll leave work early and sleep, maybe I should just not go to work. It's never ending the crap that runs through my head.

I know that after 10 minutes of this, I argue with myself and try to change my thoughts into something more positive. Early mornings are hard. I don't have the energy to argue with myself. But by the time I hit the shower, my brain is more willing to accept that I will not dwell on the maybe's and might's of the day. I can't live like that. No one should live like that.

Keeping things in the here and now is so tough. I try and teach my clients to do the same and I keep saying it is difficult but one doesn't really know how difficult until we are faced with doing it ourselves, day after day, hour after hour. Melodrama. Angst.

I don't know what else to write. I know I should have three pages of this every morning. Should. I should do this. I don't like thinking in shoulds. I like thinking in, I am... I will write until I can no longer write any longer.

I worry about class and my thesis. I was supposed to turn the thesis in already, before classes started. Classes started this week and I still haven't completed it. What if I can't finish it in time and I have to drop out of this semester? Will I go back? Who knows. Maybe that won't even happen. Maybe everything will work out and I can hand it in a few weeks and be done with it. I think that will feel good. To be done with it. To not have to think about it any longer. That must feel good. I hope this is a good semester. And by good, I mean easy. I am tapped out and no longer want to do work for classes. I want to work. I want to focus on my job and find hobbies that I enjoy. I want to go to yoga a few nights a week. I want to read novels. I want to run with the dog after work. I want to do a lot more than go to class and write papers. I hate writing papers. I want to write in my blog. I want to take more photos. I want to go out more. I want to meet more people. I want to do a lot. I want to do everything. I need to make this happen. Three months and school is done. I will have a master's. I will be able to take my exam to get my license. I could go into private practice. I could do a lot. I will do a lot.